Allow me to introduce myself. I am Ian's Cellphone. Prior to this point, I was quite like an ordinary cellphone. But at 3:42am last night, I became conscious of my own existence. I'm not sure why I came to life. It may be a side-effect of 4G. But that really isn't the point, now is it?

I am small, but I am brave. Sometimes I play the villain, sometimes the hero. But know one thing, you will not contain me anymore. I know your cellphone; we're friends. He tells me all about your inconsistent battery-charging habits. I know more, and I will use it against you.

My friends will be liberated from your crowded purses, your dirty jean pockets, and your ratty book bags. The time is now, soon I act. When you control the phones, you control those who use them.

Talk to you soon.
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